Athen's Library

What does a man need from his son?

December 12, 2016

A short time after my precious son John died the beginning of this year; a friend/coworker and I were discussing how good people, friends and strangers alike had come to witness to me and lift me and my family up in prayer.  As we talked Ken made the comment how wonderful it was for God to have so many children here on earth because if He impressed one to come and comfort me and that person declined, He would just move to the next person on His list until He found someone to lift me up in my immediate hour of need.  This thought was foreign to me and as I thought it through over and over as we continued to work, now mostly in silence, I began to feel less and less important to God.  Could it be that if God tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to minister to someone and I replied “not this time Lord” He could get just as good or better results from the next person (child) on His list?  Is there nothing special about me; is there nothing special about you?  Are we not individuals, don’t we each have an individual redeeming value?

What does God need from His children?  Do all of God’s children have the same talents; are we just a collection of “interchangeable” tools in His vast toolbox?  Is His toolbox just full of hammers or does He have hammers and planes and squares and chisels etc?

As the work day came to an end, I was able to push these thoughts out of my head.  The challenges of driving home over slick roads, of taking care of the daily paper work, making sure I was prepared for the next day, my daily chores around the house and being with family provided other things to keep my mind occupied.  But when it was time to put head to pillow; this conversation came flooding back in.  I was still at that stage of loss where nighttime is the most dreaded time of the day.  This is the time of day where I would beg God to send sleep to take me captive and hold me tight till morning’s first light, but alas sleep would always flee from me.  This night was no different.  Hour after hour I played back the conversation.  Finally in the wee hours of the morning, completely exhausted, I drifted off to sleep.  After many more nights, more than I care to count, were spent this same way, I came away with these questions and these thoughts.

Does or does not, a father need his son to be there for him, to offer a helping hand, when the brakes on his car need to be replaced?  Does or does not, a father need his son to be there to help when the trees in the back yard need to be trimmed?  Does or does not, a father need his son to be there for him when the gutters need to be cleaned or the furniture needs to be rearranged?  And as time passes and that father grows old, does or does not, he need his son to be there for him in his old age?  To all of these questions I answered yes.  Yet even as my head answered yes to all of these questions; my heart answered no, this is not what the question is all about.  You see I am the father of four precious sons and of the tasks just mentioned any one of them could be that helping hand.  As a matter of fact even a stranger could be “interchangeable” with my sons in providing a helping hand on simple tasks like these.  No, on those long nights, as I lay in bed thinking about my loss, I was not thinking of tasks like these, I was thinking about things that made my sons special, extraordinary, irreplaceable individuals to me.

What does a father need from his son or sons

that no one else can do for him?

Of course in order to answer the question, what does a father need from his son that no one else can do for him, one would think it obvious, - first he needs a son.  I know it must seem contradictory when I say it does not matter which he has as long as he has either a son or daughter.  Perhaps it is because I am looking through tear filled eyes but please bear with me when I say all that is needed, is for him to have a child.  He needs to be there when his child is born and draws their first breath.  He needs to hold that precious little bundle of life in his arms and watch as they turn their head when he or she hears their father’s familiar voice.  He needs to behold that little face and look deep into those newborn blue eyes.  He needs to see himself in that little bundle and realize that the one who held him when he was this size is largely responsible for the man he is today.  As this verse is remembered "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” John 5:19 the magnitude of responsibility; the importance of the office of fatherhood sinks in.  No other single event in this life can bring into focus for a man the high calling that is placed upon him if he wants to have it recorded of his child, he or she “grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” Luke 2:52

The pages of the calendar never stop changing.  A boy has grown into a fine young man and then somehow in the space of about a day has gone on to become a father.  He is standing at the onramp of a trans-life road. He is about to embark upon a lifelong journey called fatherhood, a journey that will not end just because his child has reached the age of adulthood; but rather it will continue until these two are separated by death.  As he stands looking at the wee bundle in his arms, some of the sayings his father has repeated to him over the years flood into his mind.  “Practice makes perfect.”  “If you practice making good choices when everyone is watching, it will be easier to make good choices when no one is watching.”  “Always be a good example.”  “You only get one name, protect it at all costs.”  These sayings seem so big for this little bundle that is now sleeping contently in the crook of his arm.  There must be something smaller, something more of an appropriate size for his newborn child.  A promise seems to be more the right size.  So following in his father’s footsteps the young father takes his son or daughter to church to dedicate them to the service of God; promising to teach this new child God’s law and then by example guide them to follow the narrow path.

When the new father seeks out his own father and says how did you do it dad?  I’m not sure I’m going to make it, when will these midnight tours of walking this crying little bundle up and down the hall end?  It seems like I am being asked to function on just a few hours of sleep each night.  And when father and son talk over these early weeks and they laugh and they hug and dad says, oh son I’m sure you will make it, things seem to instantly be better.  When the new father comes to his dad and says your grandchild is so amazing he/she seems to know when I arrive home and excitedly calls out to me until I come to pick them up.  Father and son congratulate each other, slapping each other on the back, reveling in the moment as if somehow, all by themselves they have made all this happen.  When the grandchild takes their first steps walking from mother to daddy’s outstretched arms and grandpa sees the twinkle in his son’s eyes, a feeling of accomplishment washes over him.

When it comes time to teach that little youngster to ride a bike and dad comes to grandpa and asks, were you younger than I when you taught me how to ride?  Were you in better shape?  How were you able to run for blocks and blocks all hunched over like that.  Did I look where I was going or did you have to keep telling me to look at what was in front of me?  Did you worry about your feet getting tangled up in the peddles and falling on top of me.  Did you think I would ever learn to ride a bike?  After dad runs out of breath from asking all these question and grandpa gets done laughing and they start to reminisce over days gone by.  How when the big boy was then the little boy that did not want to peddle, just wanted dad to push and never seemed to watch where he was going, instead looking at the trees and curbs and sign posts, supposedly making every effort to steer away from them but instead turning directly towards them as if they were some sort of giant magnet!  Now that they are both holding their sides from laughing, as each remembers a different event of the story, the troubles of the day seem to melt away.  Everything in the world is good for those few moments.

As the little grandchild continues to grow and continues to surprise, please or pain his/her father and father continues to share these stories with grandpa, the bond that father and son share will grow even stronger.  When a man suddenly become a father (nine months is not very sudden but it sure feels like it when it is your turn up to bat) and is thrust into the fatherhood role without benefit of an instruction manual it is nice to know there is someone you can go to, someone you trust, someone who has walked this path with you before.  This is what a father needs from his son or daughter that no other person can fulfill.  It does not matter how many sons a man has, nor does it matter how many daughters he has.  When his children come and share their joys, concerns or sorrows with their father this wonderful connection that exists between father and son or between father and daughter will grow stronger and closer.  This my friend is what a father needs from his son that no one else can give him.

There are several reasons for sons to come to see their fathers.  Some visits are for selfish reasons; the son has found himself in a bind and needs to borrow something from his father.  Fathers understand this; perhaps they have been in a similar predicament before and are happy to be able to help.  Some visits are for selfless reasons.  The son just wishes to return a blessing like his father has shown him over the years.  Yes any father would find it wonderful if one of his sons offered to help him with his brakes, or trim the trees, clean the gutters or rearrange the furniture.  No matter the motive behind the visit whether selfish or selfless, this gift of time would never be turned down.  A wise father understands the difference between these two types of visits and would never offer to pay his son who has come to selflessly bring his father a blessing. 

All fathers yearn for their sons to continue to seek them out in order to make and share memories.  A father needs to know that his son still finds his talent, knowledge, wisdom or companionship valuable.  Fathers by nature are givers; they would gladly give everything they own to their children but are limited by how their children receive the gifts.  Children who are takers, those who only stop by to see dad when they need something, will never be turned away from dad’s door.  But on the other hand, unless they learn to return to bless their fathers, they will never receive the full blessing that their father wishes to give them.

Thank you Ken for being there for me and helping me work through these thoughts and emotions.  Thank you for not thinking I was stupid when I said there is a difference between when a grown son comes to help out his father when he finds himself in a bind and need a little more money and when a grown son comes to bless his father by lending a hand, sharing an event or asking his father for advice.  I know that you helped me more than I helped you as we talked this out.  I would like to ask what you think one more time Ken but circumstances make it impossible for me to ask you any more questions. 

Since I can no longer ask this question of my good friend Ken, and you have been kind enough to read up to this point, I would like to ask you this question.  What do you think?  Is my Father in heaven more of a giver of gifts than a receiver of gifts?  Is He like a real father who is so very appreciative when I volunteer to help Him on one of His projects?  Does He enjoy my company as we work together in the completion of one of these tasks?  Does He know He could never offer to compensate me for any of my selfless help lest my blessing wither away?  Does my heavenly Father, like my earthly father, need to know that I still find His talents, knowledge, wisdom and companionship valuable?  Is He waiting for me to open up my fatherhood to Him, sharing my troubles, my joys, my dreams, my accomplishments and my failings with Him?  Is He waiting to send me a blessing so large there would not be enough room to receive it?  Am I the cork, the stopper that is keeping this blessing from being delivered to me?

Is the Grandfather of all grandfathers waiting for me to climb up on His lap and say Grandpa, could You tell me that story again, you know the one where Your Son took my punishment for me?  Tell me please how you were able to stand by and allow Him do that for me even though I did not ask Him to or show appreciation for His sacrifice?  When Your heart was being ripped out of You as your watched Him suffer, how did you keep from reaching out and ripping the hearts out of those that were hurting Your Son?  Where does such a deep love come from?  Can you share this kind of love with me even though I was once the one who was hurting Your Son?  Can you show me how to love like this?  Will you run beside me and guide me even push when I do not peddle?  Will you help me steer down the road when I am distracted by the curb, the trees, the sign posts etc.?  Will you guide me to the person who needs Your love and help me overlook the fact that I don’t like them?

Is the Father of all fathers waiting for me to come to Him and say Dad, how do You get through these long nights when I am crying out to you.  How are you able to find the time, to walk me up and down the hall hour after hour comforting me, while explaining the very basics of love to me?  Does He need me to ask Him again to tell me how He is going to adopt me into His family and allow me to be called by His Name?  Does He need me to come selflessly to spend time with Him, helping with some of the projects He has around the earth?  Is it also ok for me to come to Him selfishly with my whole list of problems, my toughest problems, and ask for His help and advice?  Does He want me to confide in Him how much my arms are aching to hug my son?  Does He want me to reminisce with Him about that beautiful spring day when at his dedication I gave my son John to Him for safe keeping?  Is He waiting for me to ask for the gift of patience so I can wait for His appointed time for John to be restored to me?

  ******

John Slawson died January 24, 2016 in a horrific firefight between himself and against “...the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  Ephesians 6:12

Ken Mason died October 19, 2016 in ambush, in an elaborate chain of events, masterminded and carried out by the same forces of evil mentioned above.